I haven’t wrote anything recently because it’s been a confusing time for me. Never did I realize when I signed up for that website, could I find someone so remarkable. Someone that makes every day a good one. More than a good one. A sunny, Seattle day with ice-cream and scotch. He makes every day a perfect day and I am very grateful for that. For me, I can’t decide how I feel about someone until I’m completely alone with my own thoughts. And I’ve been alone a lot since this SD has been on vacation. Even as a girlfriend, I’ve never thought about another man so much. “I wonder what he’s doing?” “Hopefully he’s not banging some japanese bitch in a kimono.” I’m worried and sad and I feel like I’m going through caffeine-withdrawal.
But it can’t be real. It doesn’t have the option to be. I’m young and dumb for even developing these feelings for someone that can never reciprocate them. He does his best to keep a slight distance. He’ll end an “I miss you” with “But I miss fucking you more.” I mean, as endearing as that sounds, sometimes just “I miss you” can bring me to happy tears. Even as a SD, he still treats me better than any boyfriend I’ve ever had. His personal life is a complete mystery to me. Sometimes I’m ok with that, because knowing his background might change what type of person I think he is. And maybe I want to live in this web of fantasy for just a little while.
I might be in love with a lie. But what an incredible journey of love and self-doubt this is.
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